a hot skillet

sometimes in life you just have to learn how to let go. letting go can be the best hardest thing that you have done. it's never easy to let go when your heart is at stake. when you can feel goodbye coming in your heart you begin to feel uncertainty and a paralyzing pain in your chest that makes it hard to even breathe. your vision becomes a cloudy haze of tears that you must not shed because you must be strong you must have courage. goodbye becomes a red hot skillet in your hands and the pain is unbearable and you can smell your flesh burning you can't breathe. but you know you have to let go and that when you do your flesh will tear and bleed. the pain will be there still and there is more pain yet to come. as the time passes your hands begin to heal and you have to re-learn how to move your hands there is still pain. but the more you work the more you heal and the pain begins to fade. then one day your hands are healed the pain has faded but the scars will always be there for you to see, a reminder of when it's time to just let go. you can choose to keep holding on to that skillet hoping that soon it will cool off and you wont have to let go, and yeah it can cool off, but how much damage will be done to your hands? will the damage be to great for your hands to heal and be able be used? what if you keep holding on and it doesn't cool off at all? so what do you do when faced with a hot skillet? i don't know what to do. i guess i will just have to learn just how much i can burn..........

end of silence

i have spent so much of my life in silence, no i don't mean that i don't speak to people. i can talk and carry on conversations and be sociable, but i have difficulties in saying what i think, and what i feel. i learned through warped experience that silence is best, it is what makes life easier and causes no conflict. saying what you think and feel is vital in life, it is what makes you who you are. some people (like me) are a little strange to others when they find out what our thought process is really like. i remember one time in high school a teacher asked if we had seen any movies over the summer and of course i had to speak up. i had watched pet cemetery 2 and candyman, and being the warped twisted person that i am, i found them to be funny and i laughed, and i said so. one girl in my class that sat next to me asked me why i tried to be so weird. well that's one thing i never tried to do, it just came natural. but now that i am much older now than i was then, i have had time to analyze why people thought i was weird and why i really am weird. this is what i came up with: i led a sheltered life for a long time, my parents did their best to protect me and keep me safe. it's a hard lesson for anyone to learn that the monsters you try to protect your children from are in your own backyard. granted my backyard was 30 acres of woods and a creek. i grew up in the country and my closest neighbor was a mile away and they were as old as my grandparents. i had no kids to make friends with and play with. and to top it off we had no tv. so for fun i read books. lots and lots of books. i learned how to fish,swim and shoot a gun before i went to school. hell, i was reading before i even started school. i finished kindergarten and first grade my first year of school. but that's because my mom would spend hours reading to me when i was a baby. during the summer i would help my parents in the garden, then i would go play in the woods, ride a bike, or read. i did that for years. by the time i was 12 i had already read all the books by louis lamour that our library had. then i started to read robin cook, mary higgins clark, john saul. i read thrillers, suspense and yes even romance. surprisingly my mom got me started in that. then i found dean koontz and john sanford. i guess that things dark fascinated me. i know that darkness, i have seen it, i have been through it. my taste in reading, music, movies seems to require people who can look beyond what these things seems to convey. i have always been a bit rebellious, or as my mom says independent. now that makes me laugh because me and my parents would go rounds over my unacceptable behavior. with my mom it was mainly about my taste in music and friends. and i dug my heels in on both matters. mom hated the music i listened to. it was devil music, demonic, i shouldn't listen to music like that. metallica, ozzy, guns'n'roses, anthrax, megadeath, all of the big hair bands. music was an escape for me like many things were, and still in some ways an escape. two things that were a passion for me i have re-discovered, music and cooking. i can turn on music and go into the kitchen and loose myself. when it comes to food i want to be able to make something that when someone eats it, they want to eat it again. i want them to be able to remember how they felt, what they thought when they tried that one thing i made. in a way it's like music. you hear a song and it evokes emotions and feelings in you, it can make you remember things from the past, good and bad. it's good to feel passion again. for the very first time in my life i have found my dream, and for the first time i believe i can do it. my dream is attainable. and i see it coming true. so now i have learned to be silent no more.

chidumplins'

so i have been very busy for the past couple of days, so i haven't wrote anything. still looking for work to start off,  but i came to a major realization today. i figured out exactly what it is that i want to do. i found my dream.  i want to cook. and i can cook a little but i want to learn more. so i am. i can't afford to go to school so why should i not worry about that? because i can learn on my own by studying recipes and practicing for friends. but first i need to work to buy stuff for my kitchen. and that's not hard, i got a couple of good leads today. one thing i thought of today was chidumplins'. sounds strange i know but it sounds so good once you know what it is. chicken and duck dumplins' combined and with some kinda twist to the dumplins, like stuffing them somehow... i don't know yet. but the great thing is i can try and use all of my friends and co-workers as guinea pigs for my food while i am learning. within five years i want to be able to open up my own little dive hole in the wall kind of place cooking all the things i learned and loved. it doesn't have to be big and fancy just kicked back with really great fresh made food all from scratch. its going to be such a fun journey. who knows maybe i can keep up with my progress and make it all part of this new blog. who knows what can happen. hell it's going to be great and it's going to be fun and hard, but who in their right minds would pass up chidumplins?

calm in the storm

feels like another night of insomnia, but maybe not. i can hear a storm outside and i love it. to me storms can be relaxing and calming. i like the flashes of lightening that brighten the sky, the rumble of thunder, and the lullaby of falling rain. i have been told by a few people that it's weird and crazy that i like storms. but that's o.k. i am a bit weird and crazy. i know that i said for the most part that i feel like i am a weak person in a lot of ways, but there is a part of me that is very strong. i have made it through a lot of tough times and situations yet i am still here. i survived i am still standing. one thing that i am good at is to endure and cope. i have spent so many years trying to be strong and not let things get me down for too long. spent years enduring and coping with all the pain and anger i felt. i spent so many years not letting people close enough to really hurt me that i became cold and hard in many ways. i spent so much time trying to be strong and not to feel that i forgot how to feel. i can't say that i like being able to feel because it's easier when i am numb. at times there is too much pain, anger, hurt, and shame to bear. i do get bogged down in it at times, but i know it will ease and get better at some point in time. and then a storm comes and in what to some people is just a bother with a bunch of loud noise and chaos, is where i find peace. because in the midst of nature showing its power with bright flashes of lightening, loud crashes of deep rumbling thunder, and the soothing lullabies of pouring rain; there is where i find moments of complete calm and stillness. i know that the storm will pass and that the sun will come out. it is in moment that the storm ends you know that there is calm and there is comfort. so yeah, for me, there will always be peace in the storm not just after the storm

simple uncomplicated

i like to think that i am a simple person. simple and uncomplicated. i enjoy the simple joys and pleasures that life has to offer. like coffee when i wake up in the morning or whenever i feel like having a cup. listening to music reading or watching a movie. just being able to wake up in the morning. laughing spending time with friends ( i don't have that many) spending time with family and best of all spending time with my boyfriend. i don't like things that are complicated or too complex. i like things that flow together easily seamlessly. i want things that are cut and dried things that make sense. i like answers like yes or no, i don't like maybe because it is so uncertain. clear answer make me feel a certain sense of security. and that feeling of security is vital to me. it's like water or food for me. i look back at my past and feel like my life has been a complete train wreck. all i see is bits and pieces of rubble and when i look at me all i see is bruises scars and complete brokenness. when i look in the mirror i still see the bruises the scars and all of the broken pieces. but i don't like to look in the mirror, i never have. i never had much self-esteem at any point in my life and i still don't have self-esteem. yes people have said that i'm pretty that i'm beautiful but i don't believe them, i think that they need to have their eyes examined or that something is really wrong with them. but there is one person that has told me that i am beautiful and has shown me that he believes i am beautiful. for the first time in my life i believed someone. this man that has shown me this and made me believe it, really is one of a kind. to me he is all i have ever wanted, all i have ever needed, the kind of man that i once only thought existed in dreams and in fairy tales. and i am lucky and blessed enough to say that he is my boyfriend. how did i get a man like him? i have no idea, i never thought i could have a man like him. i never believed that i deserved a good man or love. i have done so many things in my life that i am deeply ashamed of. i have been immoral and just plain rotten. i have been a liar, a cheat, a thief. i have drank to excess (sometimes i still do) and oh yeah big shock i have even done drugs. i have smoked pounds and pounds of weed, and yes i still like it and still smoke it when i can, i have done acid a few times, (when i was 18) i have done coke a few times, and i got into doing meth for about 4 months. am i proud of what i have done? no i am not, but why should i be ashamed? i have done wrong and i know it and i admit it. judge me if you will, but any judgment you pass on me can never compare to how harshly i judge myself. i am trying to become a better person but sometimes i wonder if i can do that. i wonder if i am capable of being good after all i have done and after all i have been through. none of what i said or what i feel seems simple, but to me it is. has wrong and bad been done to me? yes. have i done wrong? yes. do i have confusing thoughts and feelings? yes. do i know what i am doing? yes. do i know how to do the things i need to? no. do i know where all this is going to take me? no. is it going to be easy? no. do i think that people can really change? yes, i do, with my whole heart. so, yeah, i am a simple woman who likes the simple things of life. 

just a little off kilter

i will admit it i am an odd ball that is just a little off kilter. that is one thing that i have always known about me. i like things that are strange and odd. i guess they just fascinate me for some reason or another. i understand the darkness that can be in some peoples' soul. i can see it and i can feel it but i also know it. is it because there is a darkness in me? or is it because i have lived through darkness? in some ways i think it is a combination of the two. we all have a dark side and we are all capable of evil. does it mean we are dark and evil people? my answer is no. to know what is truly good and bright we must all at some point learn what evil is. i have been touched by both good and evil and that has become part of me. i guess one of the biggest lessons i have learned is this and it is to me a fact that is implicitly simple. i was raised in a christian home, went to church every week and have always known about god. i spent years being angry with god refusing to believe that i could be saved or even forgiven. i can honestly say that all my life in knowing god i never truly believed until about 4 years ago. maybe a little longer. i had reached a point in life to where i had hit below the ground somewhere, lost in chaos, with no hope  for anything good. but then i prayed for a change and i got it. i really got it. i wound up in new mexico and i started over from scratch. i found a church that i loved and it was there that i found god for the first time. then came my lesson. i learned that even though i made bad choices, did wrong things, said thought wrong things didn't mean i was a bad person. it didn't mean that i was unworthy of love and forgiveness. for the first time i understood who god really was. no i am not perfect i still make mistakes, bad choices. i still say and do things that are wrong and not right. it will take time for me to learn what to do how to be, but that is going to be alright because my god loves me and forgives me even though i am just a little off kilter.

hope is the thing with feathers

god hath chosen the weak things in life to confound the things which are mighty-st.paul 

hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul-emily dickenson 

these are a couple of quotes i heard when was watching a movie and as simple as they are it rang deep within me and made me think.

 in some ways i am a strong person, but for the most part i believe that i am anything but strong. for the most part i have always tried to be what i thought others thought i should be. i never have had the courage to stand on my own or to stand up for myself. things in life have never been easy for me and no i am not the only one. others have had it much worse than me and others haven't had it as bad as me. sometimes when a person has been through a traumatic event/events they repress the memories of it. it's a survival instinct and it's a way to cope. i blocked so many memories for so many years but that's not why i say i am weak. my parents did everything they could to keep me safe and protect me. they were and still are great parents. but like all humans they made mistakes. they sheltered me (with good intentions) so there were many things that i didn't know. not that i should have known somethings. the way i discovered that i had been molested was because of a book i read on stranger danger at the library. that's when i learned that the most danger comes in through your front door. it wasn't the strangers that you had to be careful of but it was the people you knew. i tried talking to my parents about the person that i knew that we knew. someone we trusted someone that was in our family.(you have noticed at this point i have given no names but it's for the people that i know and that i respect, i haven't asked them for permission to use their names and i don't intend to) but for mark stanley smith my ex-brother-in-law-who-is-now-dead i have no respect. i tried talking to my mom and to tell her what he did but i didn't know how. my parents didn't understand what i was trying to say and neither did i. so i buried those memories but it didn't work for long. i became more vocal as i got older and by the time i was 14 i did all i could to avoid him when my sister came to visit. my dad was insistent that i should forgive him and forget but i couldn't. i wasn't ready and i didn't want to. the pain was more than i could bear. and it wasn't just pain i felt. i felt anger,fear,shame and humiliation. one time when i was 14 it became too much for me to bear, so i ran..literally. i ran away to california. the second night i was gone i was raped. then when i was actually in california i was raped again. now the one thing that i am thankful for is that when i was raped my virginity wasn't taken from me.( i had already willingly had given my virginity to my first boyfriend) when i got back home it seemed that things got worse. my parents sent me to a mental hospital to try and find out what made me run away. in this process memories came back in a flood and i was drowning in them. i remembered all the things that had happened to me and what i had been through. i believed it was all my fault of course it was my fault. i was even told that i wasn't really raped it was my fault anyway because i led him on. i was 14 he was 29. but still the blame was on me.

i made my mind up that from that point on i never would be raped again. and boy the way i did it was beyond fucked up. i decided that since my power of no had been taken from me that i would say yes even if i really didn't want to. saying yes is easier than no because saying no only meant it would happen anyway. it was my way of dealing with the cards that i had been dealt. not the best way to do it but it's what i knew. 

now i am a woman grown that has these memories and feelings from events and choices that are in my past. i made it through i survived. i was very nearly broken and almost destroyed. was i weak? am i weak? yes in so many ways, but i am still here. evil is a great thing of might and it is my weakness that confounded that might. it is my weaknesses that have shaped and formed this person that i am. i always knew that somehow i would survive that i would make it. is that what hope is? yes-hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul-emily dickenson