end of silence

i have spent so much of my life in silence, no i don't mean that i don't speak to people. i can talk and carry on conversations and be sociable, but i have difficulties in saying what i think, and what i feel. i learned through warped experience that silence is best, it is what makes life easier and causes no conflict. saying what you think and feel is vital in life, it is what makes you who you are. some people (like me) are a little strange to others when they find out what our thought process is really like. i remember one time in high school a teacher asked if we had seen any movies over the summer and of course i had to speak up. i had watched pet cemetery 2 and candyman, and being the warped twisted person that i am, i found them to be funny and i laughed, and i said so. one girl in my class that sat next to me asked me why i tried to be so weird. well that's one thing i never tried to do, it just came natural. but now that i am much older now than i was then, i have had time to analyze why people thought i was weird and why i really am weird. this is what i came up with: i led a sheltered life for a long time, my parents did their best to protect me and keep me safe. it's a hard lesson for anyone to learn that the monsters you try to protect your children from are in your own backyard. granted my backyard was 30 acres of woods and a creek. i grew up in the country and my closest neighbor was a mile away and they were as old as my grandparents. i had no kids to make friends with and play with. and to top it off we had no tv. so for fun i read books. lots and lots of books. i learned how to fish,swim and shoot a gun before i went to school. hell, i was reading before i even started school. i finished kindergarten and first grade my first year of school. but that's because my mom would spend hours reading to me when i was a baby. during the summer i would help my parents in the garden, then i would go play in the woods, ride a bike, or read. i did that for years. by the time i was 12 i had already read all the books by louis lamour that our library had. then i started to read robin cook, mary higgins clark, john saul. i read thrillers, suspense and yes even romance. surprisingly my mom got me started in that. then i found dean koontz and john sanford. i guess that things dark fascinated me. i know that darkness, i have seen it, i have been through it. my taste in reading, music, movies seems to require people who can look beyond what these things seems to convey. i have always been a bit rebellious, or as my mom says independent. now that makes me laugh because me and my parents would go rounds over my unacceptable behavior. with my mom it was mainly about my taste in music and friends. and i dug my heels in on both matters. mom hated the music i listened to. it was devil music, demonic, i shouldn't listen to music like that. metallica, ozzy, guns'n'roses, anthrax, megadeath, all of the big hair bands. music was an escape for me like many things were, and still in some ways an escape. two things that were a passion for me i have re-discovered, music and cooking. i can turn on music and go into the kitchen and loose myself. when it comes to food i want to be able to make something that when someone eats it, they want to eat it again. i want them to be able to remember how they felt, what they thought when they tried that one thing i made. in a way it's like music. you hear a song and it evokes emotions and feelings in you, it can make you remember things from the past, good and bad. it's good to feel passion again. for the very first time in my life i have found my dream, and for the first time i believe i can do it. my dream is attainable. and i see it coming true. so now i have learned to be silent no more.