simple uncomplicated

i like to think that i am a simple person. simple and uncomplicated. i enjoy the simple joys and pleasures that life has to offer. like coffee when i wake up in the morning or whenever i feel like having a cup. listening to music reading or watching a movie. just being able to wake up in the morning. laughing spending time with friends ( i don't have that many) spending time with family and best of all spending time with my boyfriend. i don't like things that are complicated or too complex. i like things that flow together easily seamlessly. i want things that are cut and dried things that make sense. i like answers like yes or no, i don't like maybe because it is so uncertain. clear answer make me feel a certain sense of security. and that feeling of security is vital to me. it's like water or food for me. i look back at my past and feel like my life has been a complete train wreck. all i see is bits and pieces of rubble and when i look at me all i see is bruises scars and complete brokenness. when i look in the mirror i still see the bruises the scars and all of the broken pieces. but i don't like to look in the mirror, i never have. i never had much self-esteem at any point in my life and i still don't have self-esteem. yes people have said that i'm pretty that i'm beautiful but i don't believe them, i think that they need to have their eyes examined or that something is really wrong with them. but there is one person that has told me that i am beautiful and has shown me that he believes i am beautiful. for the first time in my life i believed someone. this man that has shown me this and made me believe it, really is one of a kind. to me he is all i have ever wanted, all i have ever needed, the kind of man that i once only thought existed in dreams and in fairy tales. and i am lucky and blessed enough to say that he is my boyfriend. how did i get a man like him? i have no idea, i never thought i could have a man like him. i never believed that i deserved a good man or love. i have done so many things in my life that i am deeply ashamed of. i have been immoral and just plain rotten. i have been a liar, a cheat, a thief. i have drank to excess (sometimes i still do) and oh yeah big shock i have even done drugs. i have smoked pounds and pounds of weed, and yes i still like it and still smoke it when i can, i have done acid a few times, (when i was 18) i have done coke a few times, and i got into doing meth for about 4 months. am i proud of what i have done? no i am not, but why should i be ashamed? i have done wrong and i know it and i admit it. judge me if you will, but any judgment you pass on me can never compare to how harshly i judge myself. i am trying to become a better person but sometimes i wonder if i can do that. i wonder if i am capable of being good after all i have done and after all i have been through. none of what i said or what i feel seems simple, but to me it is. has wrong and bad been done to me? yes. have i done wrong? yes. do i have confusing thoughts and feelings? yes. do i know what i am doing? yes. do i know how to do the things i need to? no. do i know where all this is going to take me? no. is it going to be easy? no. do i think that people can really change? yes, i do, with my whole heart. so, yeah, i am a simple woman who likes the simple things of life.